Monday, November 1, 2010
So Halloween week was a mixed bag of tricks and treasures for us. Halloween is quite the perfect analogy for my life this week. I am living in the "fun" house with the crazy mirrors and suprises around every corner but sometimes I also got to regress a little and get caught up in the good giggly moments of which I have found a new appreciation.. much like witnessing the joy of a little one totally transformed by some fabric and face paint.
The beginning of the week was mainly devoted to trying to get our life at home organized again after being away. I can't quite communicate the mind space stolen by all the medical paperwork, insurance, research, and inventory of med supplies, prescriptions etc..There was a time when laundry and carpool and little girl needs and school functions and halloween treat bags and party food and mom meetings and bills and all the other norms of busy momness seemed alot and sometimes insurmountable..now I have to just laugh when something absolutely can't be done or falls through the cracks. God is in control..I am on autopilot. So the key word for the week is.. priorities. Is it all the important that Bella forgot the bow for her hair or that dishes were left overnight..no. Was it worth it to dress up as a crayola crayon for Sofie's class trunk or treat parade and decorate the car for fall? OH Yes - her smile was priceless. I also had the chance to help in Bella's class with her fall party. It was such fun watching the kids interact with each other. Those are the things I don't want to miss in the midst of all the stuff that has been going on with Sam this year.
I had a wonderful lunch this week with a couple of friends (Julie and Ashley) from highschool. Julie's baby boy Benjamin was adorable. If Sam had been awake for 5 minutes he would have enjoyed meeting him. Benjamin had a tougher start himself, having arrived a little earlier than scheduled but he is doing great and is such angel. Holding him for me was a reminder of some of the things we are still working on with Sam. That can be hard for me at times. But I look forward to feeling Sam's core strengthen and his legs extend pressing to bare his own weight on my lap. So we have goals. I also want to hear more babbling and for the feeding orally to happen for him, but for now I am very pleased by the steps he is making. He is doing alot of passing of toys from hand to hand and tried out a new toy which required some real neck strength. He is working with the "cuppy" cup as we have named it and with eating solids..he fights the swallow so hard. I just want to make it easier for him. How can something that seems so simple be soo hard?
I did a garage sale at a friend's house also this weekend, which was fun and a good way to clear out some of the clutter. I have to get rid of it in order to clear my mind and to be able to better handle life in general. Simplify.. Simplify.. is the name of the plan. After living on and off half of the last 7 months in hospitals and ron mcd houses I have learned that I require very little to survive and not much more to be happy or comfortable. I think God never intended for us to live amidst this much JUNK. You don't win if you die with the most stuff..you just die quicker. I cry for those families on the Hoarders show because I tell you..there must be some serious pain laying beneath all of it. So I sold some stuff and other than Sam having had some breathing issues after being outside for those couple hours, it was a good morning. I think he had some allergies but he needs fresh air.. such a hard thing to decide how much exposure to give him..He needs experiences and to enjoy fresh air but it seems his tolerance for anything outside of home is pretty low. His eyes get red and he starts laboring more with his breathing and just in general seems somewhat stressed. He seemed fine that morning but two hours later seemed to take a turn for the worst for the next 6 hours.Ever since he has slept alot and so we have played things low key for him. A little allergies for the girls would be no biggie, but for him.. I fear could mean an absolute shut down and yet another trip to the hospital.
The girls had several outings for trick or treating on saturday with friends and sunday with family. They had a great time trying on different outfits out of the dress up bin. So glad we did not buy a new costume..they want to be something different everyday. :)
I am pretty sure at this point that many things are not going to work in our daily routine which saddens me because some of them are things I love like singing in the choir or being part of the leadership of my mops group. Some things I won't miss are the constant need to have our kids involved in every activity..It is probably good that we have slated to choose one extracurricular per child regardless of whether it is because we can't put Sam through all that running around town.
The sermon on Sunday was all about perseverance which seems very fitting to my prayers lately. I have these periods where I am not sure I am equipped for perseverance and then I meet someone who has overcome or I even think about all my mom got through or how 15 years ago when my dad passed I thought that was about the end of my whole world. We moved on and rebuilt our life. This too shall pass. Pastor Larry spoke about finishing the race of life and laying down all our weights (sin) in order to be able to do it. He said these hard times can make you better or bitter and I hope to become better, stronger and able to look back on this as just one hill along the journey. .Right now is just an uphill part of our race and I have no idea of the path ahead.. a map would be nice. I liked a saying that came from an excerpt from a movie preview for Secretariet (a horse movie)..
"The victory is not in whether we won the Gold Cup, but whether we gave our heart to it."
I hope we always keep our heart in living this life..whatever stage we may be experiencing. As for Sam, he continues to grace us with his beautiful smile. He must be the happiest baby I know! I am praying hard for several close families with loved ones fighting cancer. I am also praying for my husband's grandpa who has had a tough year and his sister who is coping well with alot of new medical changes after getting diagnosed with MS. There seems to be hard times and health issues everywhere.