I learned something today from my daughters.
I had gotten overly frustrated in the morning hours with the girls over how little they heeded our "talk" in the car about how they should act in church that morning. See, recently we have been attending "rock" church aka a contemporary service where you can be a little more lax about the kids getting up and moving around, drawing, chatting during songs etc. We always did the traditional service but changed when we started having to bring Samuel in with his alarms and pumps and such as it would be rather embarassing to have those go off in a quiet sanctuary..well today I had the girls and we left Sam and Dad behind as Jason is now concerned Sam will catch some kind of illness landing us back in the hospital. We were going to the traditional as I needed to stand for the installation of church officers as I am now on the nominating committee. The girls apparently have forgotten how to remain silent during this type of traditional service. It is always a wonderful moment to have your head bowed in prayer and hear your toddler say out loud.."mom, I am really hungry..mom, do you hear me?" ugh..I can't put that feeling properly into words. So that had me a bit flustered and then I had the crazy idea I could get a trip into Publix done real quick while Jason had Samuel. From the start, the girls were fussing at each other and grabbing things off shelves and basically trying to get a rise out of me. SO after a huge lecture, I put them to work cleaning their play room. Jason left for the office and I tried to take a few minutes to de-stress.
That is when Bella came to me and said, "Mom, are you mad at us because we were bad in the store? I don't want you to be mad cause then you go away to the hospital and you're mad at me." I had to just hug her sweet little self and promise that no matter how mad I get over their "moments", I would never want to be away from them and that the hospital trips are something that happens because Samuel gets sick sometimes and needs extra help. What I learned in that moment is that I allow myself to get so exhausted and worn down by all that Sam has going on that I probably don't realize the normal antics of little girls is really just that.. normal and I need to enjoy them and brush it off and love on em. I don't want to be so short and exhausted all the time. I want to enjoy every minute of mothering these 3 sweet kids. I find myself "surviving" motherhood too much lately.. instead of soaking it all up with grace. It is an absolute gift from God to be able to live this life. To touch their lives and make an impact on who they become. Yes, this was a year of some crummy experiences..but it was a year of growth for all of us in sooo many ways and it was a beautiful year in that our Samuel is here and touching our lives. He could have died so many times this year but God got him through it and got us through it too. I hope my kids never question how much we love them or forgive them in the follys of learning from mistakes as they grow.
So with a plan to start 2011 fresh and with a positive outlook, I am going to find some time later in my week to freshen up the look of the blog and my mindset moving forward as well.. I know I keep saying I will get better at this but already I think I have found some peace about Sam's health situation and am working on my total life view. There is only so much I can do in any one direction. I can't work miracles so half my battle to finding peace about everything this year is being content in knowing there are limits and trusting God to pick it up where I am limited. I have faith that for every tough day and experience there is a good one to come ahead. In church today we talked about doing your best..to stay calm and compassionate and stay constructive and challenged (I have challenged down but sometimes I am less than constructive). So with that in mind, I am setting out personal goals for myself and my family in the coming days, weeks and months ahead:
1. Do my best to... encourage better physical and mental health for our family with better diet, exercise and spititual and personal fulfillment. It is not all about work and medical junk and bills etc..find time to cleanse and energize our minds, bodies and spirits. I know personally giving back to others has cleansed my spirit and with all the needs this year of Samuel I might need an opportunity to be filled pouring out some care to someone else even if I can only commit to small acts right now.
2. Do my best to .. ORGANIZE and SIMPLIFY OUR LIFE. This starts tomorrow with a room by room clear out of all the junk that is stealing our joy and causing unnecessary stress. Having spent half this year in hospital rooms with one bag/ change of clothing etc.. I realize we NEED very little in life. PLUS.. it makes me ill to be stressed to the max financially from all this medical financial strain and then have to look at a playroom with plastic toys accumulated over the last 5 years.
3. Do my best to ... figure out the priorities of life and pour myself into them with excitement and motivation...no more "woe is me." What does not fit into the daily routine has to go... Right now the contendors for our time are: supporting Jason's business, securing Sam's medical needs, and of course building quality life experiences with the kids.
Just 3 little goals.. but I am relly excited to start working on them. Here is to starting fresh in 2011..