We just got home from church and it was a truly great sermon..really made me think about the path of healing we are on with Sam. Not just the physical healing that he has had to do from his surgeries and all the growth but our own processing of all that happened from end of pregnancy to now.. a journey of healing for all of us for sure. Our pastor spoke about victims vs victors through Christ and I really feel we are victors in all of this..
We have gained alot and overcome some big hurdles but mainly we have stretched ourselves and found new inner strength, cemented some of our priorities and values..all because our world was rocked by events we could not control. All of us at some point or other have to go through stuff to appreciate God's gifts I guess. Our stages of emotion were not unlike the ones you go through when someone you love dies. There were angry times and times when we could not get past the "why" question and then the "what" questions of needing to know what lies ahead. We are having to let go of the natural process of needing to control everything. On low days I still want to just fix it or go back and change things or even decisions made by others... but we have to look forward and just focus on moving ahead in the way that pleases God best and helps Sam best.
Sam had a Brady Friday evening late when we went to put him down to bed. He did not get rigored or bulging eyes, arms tight and postured in etc this time. Jason was holding him and I just saw Sam's color change across his face to blue and then the alarm was going off and heart rate was down in 60s. He improved color pretty quick but heart rate stayed down lower than usual in 70s to low 100s for a little bit even after giving him caffeine. Made me nervous to go to bed but we were just so tired.