Sometimes I Hit Delete

Sometimes I think I am done in by it all and I get in this rut of only thinking negatively.. not able to see the big picture. On days like that I hit delete. I have to just let the day be over.. erase it and start over fresh. I did that tonight with a blog entry I typed last night but as I was a total hormonal mess... I did not hit the submit button. I set it aside, knowing I was letting my anguish and worries spill out all over the place and I need to cope better. Worry and fear are clearly the enemy. Gotta delete that stuff. Then I woke up this morning and Sam was beaming the most adorable smile ever. I melted. He always reminds me that joy is so much stronger than pain.

I had a nice picnic in the yard with Sam and Sofie the other day. I tried to enjoy our fast food picnic quiet time listening to lovely spring sounds and not concentrate on all the weeds I could spot around me that need pulling! :)

The other day we did a follow up to check Sam's weight progress on the MCT oil. He had been losing weight steadily since the last illness even while being fed continuously and at a beefed up calorie level of formula. 1 lb looks like alot when you only weigh 15 lbs and are over a year old (not even double his birth weight). Well..the oil seems to be helping for now but we need more time to see how it will go from here.. at least it seems he has gained some weight. YAY! He does not love it going into his belly and I think initially it makes him quite miserable.. but 8 ozs in a week.. can't argue with that. He needs the weight so much! His eyes are not hallowed out today like they had been looking to us and overall he seems happier. He even had a few formed BMs (not to get into that fun subject!). Dr. R seemed pleased. I always cringe every time someone says.."he is getting so big" before realizing he is not a 6 month old. They don't know we worry so much over this and in all reality the weight stuff is not obvoious to others since he is rather proportional in length..our short little guy. We go back again in a week for another check up. He is keeping rather close tabs on Sam and his weight. I am glad though as I don't like to be the only one paying attention when his diapers grow loose on him.

We started nursing coverage yesterday. What a looong day! Going through orientation with each of them and all the questions and more paperwork is exhausting. I pretty much have to let them shadow on meds and tubes and pumps and alarms etc.. as they want to do it how we do it normally. Having to relive the full medical history always has a negative effect on me. Then I dipped down to a new low last night when the house got quiet and I sat down to blog. Better to delete that one. Better to move forward and find my positive happy side. On that note, Sam seems to like the nurses and he was downright playful today with Nurse R.

Today, I actually got some things done and had a chance to attend Isabella's field trip for a few hours. It was a good day. The class went to the beach for a picnic and to play in the sand..can't beat that kind of field trip on a warm spring afternoon. One thing I love about her school is the well planned field trips and how many parents are always in attendance. Parental involvement tells you so much about a school. I hope with nursing aid I might have more opportunities to be involved. First grade is right around the corner and with the hospitalizations and concerns at home, we really were kindof winging it this year. I want to have a more purposeful preperation for next year. These young years are so important in who they become one day. One thing my kids will have gained this year, hands down, is empathy for other children and those that are sick or disabled. This is where God is at work through Samuel. Not sure if he is so much at work in me though when I am pulling my hair out over juggling them all!! Ha Ha! Tomorrow is a new day! :)