We are sooo ready to be back home. I miss my girls and they tug at my heart every time I talk to them. They beg me to be home and ask why Sammy and I always go away to the hospital. I blogged yesterday and did not publish it because it was a little raw..it was the 15 yr anniversary of my dad's death. I was only 16 when I lost him..half my life ago. Yesterday was maybe the hardest anniversary yet because it was lonely sitting with my memories. I wish I could go to him with some of this, but in some ways I guess I feel his presence and him weighing in when I go to God in prayer. I would give anything to just have one hour with him again.
I think my day took a turn yesterday when I passed a chaplain who had prayed at our bedside with Sam and I the day before. She was walking with a family in tears who looked rather shocked. I remembered that feeling..that moment when they told us he was gone..Only that morning he had asked me to drive him to the base for some Christmas shopping. I had my learner's permit and normally would have lept at a chance behind the wheel, but Jason had called and I chose a trip to the mall with him instead. Dad was crushed in his car that day. They fought to save him while we waited in a room nearby with our pastors. Everything changed that day but he is still with me and I know he watching over us. I remember his face from our last exchange as I did my hair in the bedroom mirror. "You sure you don't want to go? I love you," he said..and then he was gone.
It was one year ago yesterday that we also said goodbye to Jason's grandma, our mimi. She was quite a force in our family. It is not the easiest time of year for anyone who has experienced a loss. I think it is because of the heightened emotions and memories. I usually find personal strength and overcome those feelings by focusing on all the joy of the season. I think of all the blessings and the fact that we DID get to share beautiful memories with those we have lost. By the end of the day, I felt better and I loved all the more on my sweet baby boy. He is such an angel.
Sam has begun to tolerate small feeds a little better and is inching up in rate at 5 then 15 ml/hr to now 20 mls per hour..a long ways away from a normal feeding rate but we don't want to overwhelm him. He was moved from ICU to the floor today and we hope to go home soon..ICU, FLOOR and OUT THE DOOR!!
Sam met Santa for the first time while here and has had many sweet visitors from local churches and organizations. Tonight he heard carolers and it reminded me of how much I enjoyed caroling last year. Some of my MOPS moms went around to those of our church unable to leave home and at the local retirement home. It was the highlight of the Christmas season for us and I am touched that people are doing that here for all the sick children. It is sad to think of children here on Christmas..I hope if we get out of here soon I will get a chance to pass on the cheer and joy of Christmas as it was shown to Samuel this week.