So last night's post at 2 am was about as raw as it gets for me.. I actually wrote hell in a post!! Jason would say..what a scandal - amanda must be really on the edge. He pretty much has always teased me about my awkwardness in expressing raw language or feelings..He is right. My vernacular is a bit conservative..but hey I had to express the real deal last night..complete frustration and pain. I would apologize but I hope those reading (mom I am thinking of you..) will understand that I was about as thin emotionally as I could be...nerves totally shot. I was feeling completely alone in this room..but after writing the post I sat and prayed. I prayed for Sam yes but even more for calm and patience and to keep up my faith. Sam and I were not alone in this room. I am never alone in any of this. It is not just pain that Sam feels or our family feels, for that matter.. Jesus does not leave us alone in pain. He felt all the pain so we would never have to be alone. I don't know why human nature is to not want to be alone in your tough times but I think most people feel that emotion. My husband happens to be the contradiction to that rule as he likes solitude and keeping things more internal. But for the rest of us, we feel strength in numbers. I think the whole reason the social networking stuff has taken off with facebook and my space and blogging is because we have this desire to be knitted together with others..to have ties and share in each other's experiences. I was always the one who said I would never join into that social networking online trend.. heaven knows I am neck deep in live social groups but in the months of dealing with Sam's needs and being somewhat more isolated socially.. my view became more open and it has helped me to feel less isolated. So I will continue to share on here but if it is ever irritating to read about my daily saga and emotional ramblings..please don't feel the need to follow it. I think it does help me to process and along with my prayers will help me to come through this without going crazy...(and no mom - I am not going to go crazy with sam worries.:) )
My prayer today..
Dear Lord - Thank you for putting friends and family along our path. We are so blessed by friends who have been there for our family during this whole ordeal. Thank you Lord for the village you built for us. I hope it teaches my daughters the value of being there for others as it has us.Thank you for speaking to my heart in sad moments when I begin to lose hope. Thank you for helping me to be strong and stand my ground advocating for Sam when all I want to do really is let someone fix it all for me. Lord forgive me for becoming so tired that I might not be who I want to be in my stretched thin moments. Lord, as I continue to pray for answers whatever they may be about Sam's health, may I so humbley ask that those answers lead to a window for us so I can get past this dark feeling. I know whatever answers you provide are ones we can handle and will lead us down a path that you deem necessary.
I pray for all my loved ones and their individual struggles..are there really any out there without some prayer on their heart? Hear them all and specifically those concerns for deployed family members and friends fighting illness. I hope even the simple prayers of calm mornings or joyous celebrations can be met in such a way as to leave no doubt that a power greater than ourselves is in ultimate control. It all comes down to control..I can't control this situation but I can focus my energies and any gifts God gave me on following the path he has set for us in a way that pleases Him. I will give God the glory for each step higher on this mountain climb but not blaming him for the rocks we have to climb over to get to the top. I love the story of the mustard seed and how all we need is faith so simple and small and yet we can move mountains.. I feel pretty certain I have moved a few mountains by now in this life.. none without those mustard seeds..so I am going to keep my faith for God to watch over my Sam too. My beautiful, couragous boy. I pray you give him strength and clear him of the croup inflammations that are somehow exascerbating his condition..Help him to breathe and to keep up his heart rate.. to not scare his mommy and daddy so much. I pray for his medical Drs. that they are wise, cautious and purposeful in their skills. I pray for Jason caring for our girls and helping them to understand all that is going on with Sam. I pray, Lord, that you place your hand on Sam's head and his heart and set the pace for us. Let him grow old. Let him show us what he has overcome by growing into someone who is thankful for the chance at a life of joy. Happiness and success sound so nice in the short term but joy and peace are the true gifts.
Amen.
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