Tuesday, November 12, 2013
A Spy Kid, a Sofia-the-First Princess, a Super Grover and an Elmo all spilled out of our home this year on Halloween night. We visited with family and then set out to trick and treat with some friends. I was thankful there weren't many scary characters trolling the streets this year.
I am glad that my kids really don't associate Halloween with ghosts and goblins. They just know it as a perfect chance to wear a mask and be someone else for fun.. with no dark hauntings.
Since that night, I had a painful awakening that perhaps I am the one who is haunted. I had an unexpected encounter that forced me to realize that maybe some ghosts I thought were buried are still able to climb out of their graves.
I was walking along at this local function, watching my older children as they enjoyed the fall festivities when I realized the Obgyn who delivered Samuel was standing just 4 feet away from me. She had moved away quite some time ago and I guess she has returned. It is odd how quickly I could tell it was her since it has been almost 4 years and although she is a 43 year old woman, she was wearing platform shoes and had her hair in pig tail braids... but I knew it was her. All of a sudden I was transported back to a horrificly painful time in my life and it all came rushing over me. I felt physically ill.
Quite some time ago and after many many months of inner anguish, I thought I had laid to rest my anger for this person... her offenses, her lies and the insensitive way she treated me. I laid it all to rest because I realized it was all eating me alive and causing more pain than we were already facing. I forgave her because I knew God asked that of me. I just wish He would show me how to live with her in my vicinity now. I am not prepared for this hurdle.
Over those first couple years when we were in such horrible pain over the outlook they gave us for Sam's life, I worked hard to avoid thoughts of her and all the moments and decisions before his birth. It was harder to tuck away all the questions we were left to ask. I am not sure if those will ever be answered. I just know now we have chosen to live in the moment and not let the dark stuff pull us down. It doesn't help him or our family. I know that if I let it, it would tear apart my life with all that anquish. I have to let it go.. and I thought I had but maybe I am actually still haunted by it when presented in close proximity.
I couldn't make eye contact that day but if I could have approached her.. what would I say? I guess I need to keep working on locking this ghost in her closet.. but one thing is for sure. It will be awfully more difficult now. I am praying for strength against my fears of seeing this person regularly (and apparently it will be frequent since her kids go to the same school). I am asking God to help me again to not let my memories bring resentment back. She is just a person who crossed my life path.
Jason and I were sick this weekend and so I am hoping for more wellness for the week ahead. My sister's daughter celebrated a birthday and I lift her up for a most special year of growth ahead. Sending up prayers about Jason's grandfather who is in late dementia stages and has been in the hospital and now transitioned to a nursing home. I have a friend's son getting through cancer treatments and someone very special to me who just found out they have a fight with it ahead. We are preparing mentally for Sam's surgery coming up in a few weeks. I am praying for his good health in weeks ahead and that all planning logistics go smoothly.
We found out insurance won't pay for a $15,000 Whole Exom Sequencing testing that is at the forefront of available diagnostics for kids like Sam and I will post about that another day.